


this will end too

by cloudrains



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, M/M, secret santa 2015
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 13:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5666929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudrains/pseuds/cloudrains
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Christmas Eve, and there is something between Remus and Sirius, but Sirius won't admit it. Remus pines and Sirius is absent and cruel. This is a bit sad, sorry.<br/>(Warning for a homophobic slur.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	this will end too

**Author's Note:**

> A gift for 2016 Harry Potter Secret Santa- stunninghell on tumblr.

He's sitting at the kitchen table just across from James, and Remus can see him crushing a holly berry between his thumb and index, letting the juice run between his fingers. Remus gives him a look _ let's get out of here _ , and jerks his head to the door. Sirius' face goes cold, the look that Remus recognizes from their first time, the time they pressed themselves together and Sirius swore when it was over, saying it would never happen again. He wasn't a faggot, and neither was Remus, weren't they just good mates? Remus agreed so Sirius would stop looking around him like  _ that _ , but it came out weak and Sirius looked sick with himself.

Lily is singing carols and suddenly Sirius is too, loud enough to cover the look he's not giving Remus, loud enough to cover the placidity in his face. It's not happening tonight. Remus thinks about how he made the bed, how he bought enough cider to keep them warm and enough Firewhiskey to excuse what happened between the sheets, and now Sirius has changed his mind again, of course. Remus shouldn't feel sorry for himself. It's the day of the Lord, of course Sirius isn't even considering it tonight. Christmas Eve alone.

They break out the crackers, and Remus breaks his own, they aren’t evenly numbered anymore, and Remus smiles too because the rest of them are, but he feels tired and alone, even here. He’s glad when the party breaks up and he can walk through Godric’s Hollow as the snow falls, before he’s so cold he can’t feel his toes and he knows it’s time to go home.

It’s not really home anymore, of course. It’s possibly the closest thing he has, the house his parents have been in since he went to Hogwarts. Too far from the village to walk, he has to apparate right to the doorstep, his cheeks flush when he steps inside into the warmth and he goes quietly to bed, listening to nothing as he stares at the ceiling until his eyes close.

* * *

 

The exciting feeling of waking up that usually accompanies Christmas isn’t there the next morning, and Remus feels its absence cruelly. 

Only when he comes to the kitchen for tea and breakfast does he feel a faint glimmer of it. There are six loaves of bread on the table and Remus breaks one open, letting the steam run over his fingers before taking a bite, that familiar hint of cinnamon and cranberry, the quiet crunch between his teeth. It’s like being a child again, and as always at times like this, Remus thinks  _ this will end too.  _ One day bread won’t be baked Christmas morning, and his mother’s chair by the fire will be empty, and the smell of tobacco that follows his father will turn stale and the house will be cold and then he will be alone again.

* * *

 

He spends most of the day reading by the fireplace. His mother asks if he’s going to see any friends today, but a quick shake of his head is enough to keep her from asking anything else. The cold is so strong that he can feel it seeping into his clothes, chilling his bones whenever he goes outside. Inside, his father’s warming charms do what they can, and he goes out for one last cigarette before he plans to go to bed again. In the dim light of the front porch he can only see flurries of snow in the field before him. The howling of the wind can barely obfuscate the crack in the darkness, and Remus warily moves a hand to his wand as a dark figure approaches from the site of the apparition. 

“Sirius?” he calls into the darkness when he can see the long tangle of black hair and the slender figure approaching him.

“Happy Christmas.” the figure calls back, and Remus cringes. Why couldn’t he have just sent an owl? 

“Happy Christmas.” he replies as Sirius comes into view. His cheeks are flushed pink in the cold and the snow is sticking in his hair. When he stops beside Remus he reaches for a cigarette, but Remus stops him.

“Are you planning on staying a bit?” 

Sirius lowers his lighter and nods.

“Then come on in, it’s too cold to stay out here for long.” Remus pushes the door open and Sirius follows him inside, shaking the snow off of his robes. 

“Did you have a nice Christmas then?” Sirius asks, and Remus is ashamed that he’s embarrassed about his answer.

“I had a quiet day in with my parents. You?”

“James’ family had a big to-do. I ate a lot.” Sirius says, and looks up at him, his long eyelashes wet with the melting snow. “We missed you though. I missed you.”

Remus has to look away. There’s something about the way that Sirius can look at him and change his mind about being angry, change his mind about feeling left out. What right does he have to say he missed him? He could have invited him along.

“Did you?” Remus asks. He wants to sound curt, but he comes off as longing. Sincere. He is frustrated with himself, but Sirius isn’t, because he seems far closer now, and Remus can feel the heat radiating off of him. He knows what’s coming next and he couldn’t stop himself if he wanted to.

Sirius’ lips are gentle at first. He could open Remus up and spill his secrets onto the world. Remus can feel the beginning of a word on his tongue, but he swallows it in favor of the kiss, and pulls Sirius closer. 

They are moving to the bedroom and Remus is surprised Sirius knows where it is because it’s been so long since he’s been here. Fifth year maybe. They close the door behind them and Sirius pushes him to the bed.

“Sirius…” Remus looks up at him, not sure what he’s saying, hoping that Sirius will understand what he needs. He needs all of Sirius here, not the part of Sirius that will fuck but not look him in the eye.

“Moony.” Sirius grins, pulling at Remus’ belt with a mischievous grin, then kisses him again.

* * *

 

It’s only when Remus is laying next to Sirius a few hours, with his childhood quilt wrapped around himself that he regrets what he’s done. He looks out the window. It’s snowing still and Sirius is passed out. Remus wishes he could roll over and unpin his arm, but that would mean Sirius will wake up, and if Sirius wakes up, then he leaves. Instead, Remus curls around him and closes his eyes, pretending that they spent Christmas together, and knows that when he wakes up in the morning, it will be to an empty bed and this will be just another night Sirius doesn’t talk about.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me at @anthxnystarks on tumblr if you would like.


End file.
